Through the bottleneck

"when pressure builds"

Sleep is a miraculous thing. I’ve enjoyed nearly a week of restful nights. I’ve almost come to expect it each morning. I woke up Monday with a clean, light feeling in my chest. The residue of lagging heaviness seemed to have departed somewhere during the night. I woke up feeling noticeably different. The darkness that laid in wait through the corners of my mind and that anchored my limbs to bed seemed to have dispelled completely. It had been longer than I could remember that I felt this way, almost joyful. George looked at me with a grin on his face and asked, “what?”

I smiled. “I feel happy.” My body seemed content to be where it was, not trapped or harnessed in for a bumpy ride. My thoughts were clear and there were no signs of brain fog. The remnants of the depression I had lived with for so many years seemed to be gone, out to sea, far from anyone’s view. I began to wonder what that meant. My mind started chasing this new feeling, turning it over for careful inspection, wanting to make sure it wasn’t fabricated.

“What Jenny?” George has taken to reading me like a book. He seems to be able to do that with movies as well. He has a way of knowing what’s coming up next and how things will turn out in the end. He likes to give me a run down of the plot and its outcome before the movie gets started. He was seeing me for who I was in the moment. “You’re good! Ride the wave, the floor’s not going to drop out from beneath you.” He reached over and grabbed my hand. I squeezed his gently.

“You know so much George. How did you become so smart?” I giggled. I wanted to add a smart ass remark but I came up short.

“My mother says that I am an old soul. She’s been telling me for as long as I can remember.” he proudly added and took a sip of coffee.

I raised an eyebrow and nodded my head gently. He just might be.

My days have been slightly predictable, except for the small nuances that appear every now and then, I know what I will be facing each day and I have begun leaning into the moments instead of preparing to run away. Eloise and Bernie have been joining us more and more during the waking hours. Their sleek feline bodies appear unexpectedly from around the corner or at the top of the stairs, and Harry has stopped darting for them in a frenzied rush to get to know them up close. They are spending more time outside, leaving the confines of the basement to be present throughout the house. Customers old and new are filling the store throughout the day, there is less and less time that I am alone without someone shopping or dropping off product. I have fallen into a predictable rhythm with each of my children, connecting through the group chat, on facetime, and seeing them in person. My life is reshaping, softening around the edges, and becoming something that feels manageable and enjoyable.

Yesterday Libby texted me from school asking if I had a server’s apron. I had gotten rid of mine during the move, wanting to hang up my serving career indefinitely. Almost at the same time, my friend texted me. Almost as if on cure it was someone who used to serve. The universe is efficient when we get out of the way. I smiled at the coincidence and timing. As I was talking to Libby on the phone before she came over, I made my way about the kitchen and living room putting a few things back in place. I stopped in place when I happened to catch movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked to my left to the large square window above the t.v. There was a sweet little hummingbird hovering near the center, wondering what I was doing. I held my phone back and placed it on speaker. I moved slowly in the quickest way possible to open the camera app and take a picture before it was gone. I had forgotten how small they were and how quickly they move their wings. Seeing the beautiful little bird looking back at me without a feeder in sight made me smile. I snapped a blurry picture as Libby said she would be over soon. I said goodbye to both of them at the same time.

I have a habit of looking up the spiritual meaning of things on Google. I guess you could say it’s something I’ve always done to get me through my darkest days. In search of love and light I’ve stayed open for signs, maybe a little too open. It took Anna telling me to start looking inside for me to really start making some traction. I began my act of searching for meaning with looking up what it means when I saw repeated numbers that keep showing up, from there I moved on to colors and physical ailments. It always seemed to help slow down my spinning mind or nose dives when I was feeling my worst. We all find our ways to cope and make it through each day when we are struggling or trying to become a better version of ourselves. This time I wasn’t struggling, it seemed more like a harmless game than a lifeboat. I opened Google and typed ‘what is the spiritual meaning of seeing a hummingbird?’ I scrolled down through the text and nodded. I thought to myself, ‘fair enough.’ Google had spoken and that was good enough for me in the moment.

“Hummingbird Meaning and Symbolism

To some, sighting a hummingbird signals that challenging times are over and healing can begin. To others, these tiny fliers are an inspiring sign of hope and good luck. Hummingbirds also can have a spiritual significance and mean the spirit of a loved one is near.Dec 2, 2021”

(The hummingbird is just on top of the white roofline, center left)