Anna sent a video to our family chat. I opened it and said out loud, “what the heck.” This child of mine has been finding the strange and unusual since she could walk. If it’s not strange it’s something in an unusual place. She seems to have a knack, internal radar for honing in on where things are and literally bringing them to the surface. I remember when we had visited a state park in Rye, NH to meet new friends and the kids were wading in the water on a balmy summer night when Anna stopped, leaned over and pulled out a giant walkie talkie as if she knew it was going to be there. Since then her willingness to be open and naturally curious attracts the very best finds. She sees the world differently and finds beauty in the down trodden, cast aways that perhaps are really nature’s first green held by our mother earth as the meek who will ultimately inherit this world.
We are surrounded by strange and unusual things. These are the things that lay dormant and hidden from prying eyes which favor commerce over creation. We are still astonished when a mammoth sea creature washes up on shore as if it couldn’t exist without our knowledge even in unfathomable depths of water reaching the ocean floor. Certain insects are discovered and cataloged as aliens and even the large congregate of barnacles Anna held was definitely a life force just visiting our planet. We have a way of identifying the strange and unusual as alien and maybe that’s not wrong, except that technically that means belonging to a foreign nation or country. When and where did alien become used to label things and people that mostly make us uncomfortable and even squirm in our seats at times? Why is it we feel the need to categorize things, experiences, and people who are unique and not like the others as something we should worry about and not welcome with wondrous hearts and minds?
I marvel at Anna’s ability to approach people, places, and things with tenderness instead of fear. I wonder how is it that such a tiny statue feels fearless when aiding the indigent populations who most others pass on by. I looked closely at the video of Anna holding the alien sea creature in the palm of her hand with such gentleness and certainty she was safe. I was never like that as a child. Fear rattled my brain, shaking me up and leaving me untethered and weary of what might happen next if I stick around. Fear loomed over me like a rain cloud growing up and held me back, feeling less than others, and unable to step beyond what I knew and the world I came from. In some ways I very much live through my children’s lives. I’ve never hovered over them, just determined to love them even when they’ve grown beyond the measures and bars that hold my story. I sing their songs in joy and try to reimagine the world as it is seen from each of their eyes.
I opened my laptop this morning and a friend from the store had sent me a song. I clicked on the link. I love hearing new musicians for the first time. Jesse Welles appeared singing fear is a mind killer. I smiled to myself. I had spent the past two days stuck at home, in my thoughts, worries, and inability to imagine the next version of myself in a positive way. As I listened to the song I wondered how incredible this universe is in the game of connect the dots, bringing us what we need when we need it. I am afraid. I always have been. Fear has propelled me forward more times than I can count, it has always held me back in danger of drowning in my own predictions and projections. George believes that we are here to walk each other home, that’s why it is so important for each of us to show up for one another. If only we could see ourselves as others do, then we’d all be nearly there. Fear does a lovely job of keeping our lights dimmed, the strange and unusual hidden, and making us unable to trust that people largely step up to the plate when someone needs help.
Sometimes I feel like I am strange and unusual, the alien in the crowd. Sometimes I marvel at people who find me and hold me in wonder as a friend, partner, and someone worthy of saying hello as they pass by. A lot of us try to remain hidden in the depths of this world, doing what we must to make ends meet and keeping our heads above water in order to breathe. We are the strange and unusual among the herds of humanity who understand how to play the game and keep in perfect standing. I think a lot about Anna spending time with the homeless population, guarding over their possessions while patrols are in force to take them away. I wonder how it is that she can pick up the strangest of living creatures with such an ease and ability to hold them in love instead of fear. I grapple with the knowledge that fear can keep me in solitude for days on end when I know a dip in the ocean will do wonders to my disposition. Maybe I need to redefine what is alien, strange, and unusual. As Jesse Welles sings, “I know I must I gotta trust This lust For the ocean.”
If you’d like to listen to Fear is the Mind Killer, click here!
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photo credit: Anna Houghton, somewhere on the West Coast of North America
What makes you fear something?