Secret Keeper

"to have and to hold"

We all have those off days where nothing seems to fit and life is uncomfortable at best. They even rest between happy days when all seems right with the world. So why do they keep popping up every now and then? The heat has settled in Maine like a wet blanket. Our old victorian home is steamy even though cool compared to outside. It reminds me of my childhood when I was told to keep wet compresses on my wrists at night so I would be able to fall asleep. There is something in today’s heaviness that is stirring up old secrets kept and begging them to come out to play. I wonder how many of us carry those secrets forward each day, protecting a certain version of ourselves, our families, perpetrators, and strangers alike. I wonder how much power we continue to hand over without realizing we are doing it.

For nearly twenty years there has been a paper weight that sits by my laptop encouraging me to show up each day and write. I often glance at it as my fingers continue to move across my keyboard, confident in their purpose to translate my thoughts into words on the screen. The black letters are faded. Remnants of their original hue remind me how long it’s accompanied me on this daily journey of writing and sharing. It’s funny how my secrets sit quietly next to me all the while, keeping me in check to allude at best but never reveal the details of their happenings more than forty years ago. Sometimes people will quietly whisper to me hints of their secrets, what keeps them in check when they are feeling low and less than everyone else. I listen. I always listen and hardly ever respond more than a head nod or two. It’s often strangers, or acquaintances I’ve never spent a lot of time with, our brief encounters act as a buffer for their secrets and mine to be heard but not loud enough to escape and see the light of day.

The paper weight boldly reads write your own story, as if I would ever be truly brave enough to do that. It pokes at me on certain days, like a younger sibling betting me that I won’t do it, not in a million years. I struggle with the idea of sharing, retelling those ugly chapters and wondering if it would actually do any good or just more harm. It makes me worry about others being forced to keep similar secrets even as I type these words. I consider if maybe that might have something to do with my purpose in sharing what happened to me so that it might not have to happen to another or if it is happening, something can be done to make it stop. Power often resides in the hands of a few, those who may be stronger, have unlimited assets, or a certain charisma that gets them off the hook time after time. But I believe power can also be found when two or more voices join together as one. Courage comes in many shapes and colors and I’ve been caught having the heart of a lion a time or two. Yet I think true courage comes from speaking up for yourself in the moments that matter most, when hurt is hurt, and fear can be quelled hopefully without force.

People ask me why do I share what I write. This question makes me soften in my resolve to do so each day. It’s taken a while for me to understand that I may share now because of all the years I couldn’t. I think this may also have a lot to do with my recent project of providing everyday, ordinary people who are extraordinary in the very best ways, a platform for telling their own stories. It’s not about sensationalizing the details, creating drama from shame, guilt, fear, or negativity. It’s about letting each of us know it is okay to be heard, each of us are given a voice for a reason. Yet so many of us choose to become secret keepers and hold tight the pain that was waged against us for no other reason than we were told that we must, that the secrets shared would do more harm than good. Is this something that has ever truly served us or at best kept everything status quo? What have I gained from being a secret keeper all these years? How can it still matter when the person who did me harm passed decades ago? I’m sure it’s not so much about my story any longer but more about the stories currently in the making, the ones with the freshest wounds.

There are people and organizations who are fighting the fight, doing the work to provide safe spaces, and resources to help guide victims up and out of domestic violence and abuse. These lions step forward each and every day to provide a pathway to a safer more loving version of life. I sat in the front row facing the podium, a friend of a friend sat next to me, and two other friends stood less than ten feet away. I listened as the speakers shared the numbers of victims they’ve helped and the training that goes into the hotlines by volunteers and staff before calls may be answered by those needing to be heard. I applauded as volunteers, staff, and sponsors stood and spoke for the masses and shared the positive work being done and the reality of the many who are still living in the dark. I was once told that love isn’t real and that I should stop chasing it like I was part of a fairy tale. I was once told that what happened to me, if it had, wasn’t a big deal, that it happens to lots of children. When I was older and was taken advantage of in professional situations I was asked about what I did to be treated a certain way. I was told that my voice didn’t matter and there was no reason for it to be heard, that no one would believe me or take me seriously. No matter how many times I have been silenced or told to be quiet, or chose to remain in the dark, I refused to believe that there wasn’t something better to be experienced. Something inside of me refuses to believe that love doesn’t exist. Something inside of me repudiates the idea that some people’s actions matter more than others. Ironically, I’m realizing this isn’t about me anymore, it’s about new voices that need to be heard.

If you or someone you know is struggling to see the light of day and has no way to do so, there are available resources. In Southern Maine one of those resources is Caring Unlimited.

24-Hour Helpline

1-800-239-7298

Anyone impacted by domestic abuse and violence can speak with an advocate and access Caring Unlimited’s services anytime by calling the 24 Hour Helpline.

The Helpline connects callers to free, confidential support and individualized safety planning services.

In addition to direct support and safety planning, Helpline services are available to assist friends, family member, and others seeking more information about domestic abuse and violence and how to help a friend or loved one.