Ripples

"send out what you want to come back"

When we are in a moment we have no idea of how our words and or actions will play out and send ripples into the future. The only thing we can control is the frequency of the emotions we emit, the tone of our voice, and the motivation behind the actions we take. Our emotions exist on a spectrum, like a radio dial we are in control of where we position the dial based on how we are feeling and where we would like to end up. When we are very young it is as if there is no dial and control. Our emotions attack us like a freight train. When we were tired, hungry, and hurt; frustration and anger would rise up in us instantaneously with no possible chance for us to temper the storm. We were too little, too young, and unaware of the abilities we each have to become the observer of who and how we are in each moment of our lives.

As we begin to get older, we get a quick blip of a warning that strong emotions are about to wash over us. It hardly seems like a fair amount of time, barely enough to see them coming, undeniably not enough time to head off our fits of rages before they take us over. Yet with time, learning, experience, and a healthy dose of self control we begin to realize that we are in charge of our emotions and even get really good at redirecting their fiery forces into beneficial thrusts of creativity and productivity. Some people take their emotions to the gym and get an awesome workout, others to their canvases coming close to painting masterpieces, while others like myself will either write, garden, or clean our homes. When we become aware that we can redirect the force behind our emotions that used to get the best of us into something creative and productive we become an unstoppable force.

No emotion is bad, every feeling serves a purpose and if we listen, points us in the right direction. If we believe we were wronged in some way, instead of allowing the negative thoughts and emotions to swallow us up whole, we need to use it as a road sign redirecting us onto a different path. We can only be taken advantage of if we continue to stick around to allow it. I used to burn bridges when I felt I was being taken advantage of, I would blow them up sky high like in the old movies I used to watch late at night as a child. The men in green fatigues with round helmets on their heads would sneak out in the cover of darkness, plant the explosives under the bridge and sneak away before they were seen. The bridge would erupt into a million billion pieces without them ever being seen. Not me! I would take “it” for far too long, doing more than I was being compensated for, taking more than is meant for anyone person, until I reached my limits and would blow up unexpectedly in the middle of a quiet room when I had finally reached my limit. I can remember the handful of times this happened and I’m not proud. This was never who I wanted to be, it still isn’t. I had no idea that I had any control over my emotions. I had no idea that I could have simply said no from the beginning and avoided the whole eruptive explosion from the get go.

Somewhere in the collective agency of self help books, podcasts, lectures, retreats, counseling sessions, and long walks with friends I began to wake up to the fact that I am not my emotions. Somewhere in all the restarts of my life through multiple marriages, working for tech start ups, creating my own businesses, and writing daily I began to realize that the only person who can determine who I am as an individual and active member of humanity is ME. I have to make the choice and decide if I want to be reactive or simply act in the moment when the timing is right. Now all these years later, I’m given a much greater warning that my emotions are beginning to bubble up. I can smell them from a mile away and redirect my thoughts onto something more positive and beneficial in regards to the way I want to live and experience my short time on this planet. I decide if I want to play by someone else’s rules and feel miserable, taken advantage of, or simply exit stage left. My only problem now is that I have the very worst poker face, something I’m still working on, and instead of being able to fly under the radar, I still leave a tire track or two in my wake.

There’s always room for improvement. It’s funny that all the old adages that we’ve grown up with really do make a difference. It’s like all the answers we’ve ever needed have always been right there staring back at us waiting for us to reach out and put them to use. When I began regulating my emotions, way before I knew I could redirect them, I began the old counting game. I would count slowly, trick my mind into thinking about something else, while I was really expanding the pause we are given in which we can decide not to react. As I got better at building the pause with counting, I learned that its good to have a few topics or images that you switch to consciously when negative feelings come knocking quietly at your door. I still remember my very first image I would use to shift my focus away from the feelings I was beginning to feel, my love of my life, Ruby. She was a 90 pound, brindle lab, the most sentient being I’ve ever met. She was my constant companion and regulator of all things that caused me “dis” ease in my world. I still lean on her presence even years after she has passed.

Now I’m at the point that I know that my reactions serve as their own ripples and will send off energy that I definitely do not want coming back my way. I guard my words and reactions like bars of gold, realizing they carry their very own power, just like my thoughts. They can sting or they can lift. I’d rather be lifted than stung. And in the famous advice of the dearly departed, Walter Roscoe Parker, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

In contrast to popular belief, each of us do very much matter, especially now if the face of chaos and discord. Each of us carries a light that we can choose to either shine brighter for all to be seen around us or dim our light to the point of distinguishing it so that darkness prevails. There’s nothing new happening in the world as I type, everything horrific and self serving has been occurring since the dawn of time, its just that more of us are refusing to dim our lights to allow darkness to continue covering everything up.

I used to believe neutrality was a dirty word. I used to believe that knowing and observing wasn’t enough, that I had to scream from the rooftops that injustice had incurred. I’m learning that it is more important that we are aware of the injustices in our own selves and those around us, rippling out across humanity and vehemently reject them as our truth. To ignore and sweep under the rug is to allow something to continue under the cover of darkness. To recognize something is wrong and reject its premise of being justified by the ends, knowing no one is deserving of abuse or dehumanizing actions is not allowing it to continue in the world we create individually and collectively each day. The best that I can do on any given day is to worry about myself and the ripples I am both creating and sending out into the world. They are the ripples of my own making. I may never know how they may be received and by whom but the best that I can do is send them off and out with thoughts of lifting up rather than cutting down.

I make ripples as a partner, mother, friend, neighbor, shopkeeper, ex wife, writer, and a stranger to most. We all make ripples that is what we were born to do.