About what's happening

"not what's going to happen"

When I used to garden I would dream of what flowers were going to bloom next instead of enjoying what had already popped. This year I’ve been purposefully walking through our gardens taking pictures of what is blooming with my phone each morning. I spend time with each, remembering when I had planted it and realizing how much it has grown. This morning I was treated to an explosion of poppies, bachelor button, and McKana’s Giant (columbine). The fruits of my labors are being born now, in the present, which is where I need to be in order to enjoy them. If I spend too much time wondering what’s going to bloom next, I am sure to miss out on what’s happening now.

Libby asked me to run errands with her today. I was excited to spend one on one time with my youngest. For some reason I remember her the most vividly just before she started school. She was my sidekick and together we would bring Aaron and Anna to school and all their activities. As we drove past the middle school on the way home I asked Libby if she missed South Berwick and being young. She looked in her rearview mirror and shared that time seems to stand still at home, not like when she’s with her friends in Charlotte. Everything is moving forward at a fast pace, everything is constantly changing when she is at school. I nodded and looked out my window. I asked her if she remembered watching her brother and sister’s games in the field to our right. She nodded. I described how I would always sit on the grass with my legs crossed and she would back up into my lap and sit with me till they were done. I can feel her full wait in my lap, watching her pick the blades of grass within her tiny arms reach as the kids raced by or caught pop ups in their gloves. I remember it like it was happening now.

I have to be careful. Just like with my gardens if I spend too much time in my past or future remembering or wondering, I will lose the precious moments unfolding before my eyes. One day, Libby at age 19 will seem like a baby. I’ll remember still having a full head of color not yet having gone gray or white. Right now is another sweet spot in our lives, even if it seems like an end to a chapter, we are just getting started. I snapped a picture of Libby driving in my mind. I did the same at the Boulangerie, A Proper Bakery, as we sat outside eating our late breakfast at one of their little tables. I smiled as Libby peeled off a layer of her croissant and tossed it to the birds just beyond our feet. This moment that felt so wonderful this morning, will one day be a distant memory for both of us.

Life isn’t about what’s going to happen or even what has already happened.

Life is what’s happening now.

Our collective choices make up our present moment and beg us to consider what we may choose next. Will we choose more love and less fear? Or will fear take us in its talons and hang us out to dry?

To stop and smell the roses isn’t something a fool may do, it’s giving creed to our existence and making sure we live a great life. Who we are in the moment defines humanity and the sum of our choices. We can admire the here and now while taking action when called to do so. If someone is hungry, we feed them. If someone is sad, we comfort them. If someone is curious, we sit and wonder providing good company if they so desire. If we have come upon something wonderful, we pause to take it in and enjoy what it brings to our here and now. To stop and smell the roses is to hit pause and be present where we find ourselves in the moment.

I’m determined to retrain my brain to be focused on what’s happening rather than spinning on what could happen. This has to be a conscious effort on my part, I’ve spent a lifetime dreaming up businesses, places I want to live, and happily ever afters. The pain is realizing that in doing so much dreaming we leave so many unrealized experiences in our rearview mirror that we will never be able to get back.

Life is what’s happening now. This is our gift to enjoy inside and out.

Today I spent time with my youngest daughter sitting outside a proper bakery and searching for dresses that we could wear to upcoming events. This morning I meandered through my gardens discovering new blooms and letting Harry take his time with his business. I read on the porch after doing some yoga and now I’m sitting in my writing room typing away. This is what I’ve always dreamed of doing when I was too busy with a life I wanted to escape. Life doesn’t have to be grand to be enjoyed, it just has to be lived.